3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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