he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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