Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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