i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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