She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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