You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
