I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
