zippers are such a cool invention
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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