apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
