I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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