i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
