mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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