Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
