your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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