i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
