ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
