So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
