I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
