this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
