Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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