First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
