So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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