he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
