Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
