...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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