he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
