she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
