I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
