I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
