I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
