I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
