life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
