My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
