At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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