Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
