i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
