her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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