i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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