Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
