I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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