Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
