eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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