I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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