The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
