I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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