My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
