why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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