It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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