how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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