at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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